What I should change in me…

Usually I think of the things I should change about myself, true that most of the times I don’t change it, but it works sometimes, and I change!! Recently, I decided to write those things down, and I thought there is no better place than my blog…which is read by no one. I am writing those shortcomings for many reasons, first I may be well aware of it, so I change it, 2^nd, I want to see how would I be years from now, would I change or still the same…so I will start today with …commitment problem!!

I think I have a problem with commitment, most of the times to ideas, and activities, but I guess not to people. I just can’t force myself to do things on regular bases!!. Recently, I caught cold, and it was kind of serious this time, so after suffering for more than 10 days, I went to see a doctor, I hate going to doctors, and unless it is very serious I just try not to…any way...he prescribed me medicine, and I was praying ..please don’t give me antibiotic…I used to convince myself that I don’t like it because it is not good for your body…but you know what I realized…I don’t like it because I have to finish it!! I have to be committed to it!! Can you believe that!! I can’t be committed to having 2 bills a day for only a week!!

I wish my problem with commitment is as easy as it looks, but I am afraid it is not, the worst thing I can think of is performing prayers, I really wish to be committed to that, but I keep the on-off practicing, and that is killing me!!

I claim that I have no problem of commitment to people, but someone once told me that this is the reason for not getting married, that you deep inside don’t want to meet him, cause you are afraid of commitment. I have to admit that this idea crossed my mind more than once, but let’s face it, when I am in a relationship; I do my best to keep it going, and usually it is not me who decides to end it by running away!!

Sometimes I wonder why do I have this problem? Is it because I get bored easily (this is a shortcoming that will be discussed later) is it because I love the starts, and get excited at the beginning and then lose interest?  I don’t know the reason, nor the solution, but I know that I have this problem that is affecting my social life, my health, my professional life… and most important my relationship with Allah!!

Is it that we look bad because we feel bad, or…??

If I’m to describe myself, I would say that I have moderate beauty, I’m not that pretty, yet, I’m not ugly, as people tell me with their words and looks, you can find beauty in my eyes, hair, complexion, or whatever.

In the last few days, actually weeks, each time I look in the mirror, I search for beauty I used to see, I only can see eyes out of sparkle, filled with sorrow. I only see lips, out of life, faking a smile, I wonder, it is the same face, the same clothes, I did not gain weight, so what changed?? Do we look bad because we feel bad?? Or do we feel bad because we look bad??

I have been down lately, I tried everything, I’m swimming every other day, I went to skill-improvement sessions, I went to cinema, I watched many movies, I met with old friends, I read a book, I stayed in bed, I had comfort food!! But there is no use..I still feel bad..The subject is all over my mind, and I can’t get it out!!

The funny thing is that I don’t care if I look good or bad, not any more, I make no effort because I know how much I tried, I will not see the beauty any more..I guess it is true; beauty is in the eye of the beholder!!

Is it that we look bad because we feel bad, or…??

If I’m to describe myself, I would say that I have moderate beauty, I’m not that pretty, yet, I’m not ugly, as people tell me with their words and looks, you can find beauty in my eyes, hair, complexion, or whatever.

In the last few days, actually weeks, each time I look in the mirror, I search for beauty I used to see, I only can see eyes out of sparkle, filled with sorrow. I only see lips, out of life, faking a smile, I wonder, it is the same face, the same clothes, I did not gain weight, so what changed?? Do we look bad because we feel bad?? Or do we feel bad because we look bad??

I have been down lately, I tried everything, I’m swimming every other day, I went to skill-improvement sessions, I went to cinema, I watched many movies, I met with old friends, I read a book, I stayed in bed, I had comfort food!! But there is no use..I still feel bad..The subject is all over my mind, and I can’t get it out!!

The funny thing is that I don’t care if I look good or bad, not any more, I make no effort because I know how much I tried, I will not see the beauty any more..I guess it is true; beauty is in the eye of the beholder!!

Did we reach that point of desperation??

Today is the 25^th anniversary of the first Palestinian raise, delegations from different countries, went to Gaza to celebrate the occasion. Couple of weeks ago, the United Nation members voted on the Palestinian State, and it was declared to be an observing member in the UN.

People in the streets were celebrating, countries and nations sent congratulations, facebook statuses and tweets were all expressing happiness because of the vote results. We were celebrating being a member in the organization that gave the green light to occupy our land, to the organization that condemned  the wall yet nothing was changed, lands were taken, trees and were destroyed, families were separated, and the wall stayed!!

At the moment of declaration and until now, I have those questions in my mind; doesn’t this mean that we settled for less than 22% of our land excluding Jerusalem?? Doesn’t this mean that we are giving our country for free to our enemies? What is it going to change after Palestine becomes a state? Would they be able to protect olive trees, houses, Masjids, Churches, schools from settlers’ attacks? Would they be free to travel when they wish where they wish? Would they be able to import medicine and food as they need, export their goods?? Really wish to know at which price we gave our land away…I wish it was not a low price, cause the bloods shaded to liberate it are very valuable…2^nd thought, whatever was the price…it is a very low price and it is a lost bargain to us !!   

I keep thinking of the reason that makes people celebrate the declaration, the anniversary, the rocket, and I wonder, did we reach a point of desperation that we can’t wait or we can’t even dream of a real victory, so we deceive ourselves and say we won. And despite that we deep inside know that we lost, we celebrate when the ones who really should be celebrating are Israel and The united States of America, who we have to congratulate on their great acting in the UN.

Writing this post, I tried to think of a similar story, and I could not think of a better story than the story of the bird, cow and cat…and how things are never as they seem, and that you can be saved when you least expect it, and you can be killed because of your actions!!

Am I turning to a bad person??

One thing I know for sure is that I’m not the same person I used to be. The things used to please me don’t anymore. Happiness that used to fill my heart when hearing good news about others is gone, not to mention not being able to sympathy with others sorrow.

No excuse I know, but is it possible that the amount of grief I have deep inside just can’t let me live others life?? Am I jealous of other’s success and happiness? Never thought a day will come and not being happy for a friend when getting engaged, or having a baby.  Going to pay respect for the death of a friend’s father and going out to celebrate my birthday the same night was something I never imagined doing..never!!

Living the neutral status is the worst, it is like living and not living, as Amro dyab says..lol ..and the truth, I miss the days where I had happy tears in others weddings, wishing them truly a cheerful life. I miss not being forced to fake compassion and drawing artificial happy/sad face, I really miss those days, but I guess I don’t have the energy to be sad for others, my misery is more than enough, and I can’t be happy   for other, it is time to be happy for myself.

I used to be a calm polite person, trusting others, and give them the benefit of doubts, and now..getting angry for the silliest reasons,  and doubting every thing/ one around me.

It is not that I wish bad things for people, but I do wish good things to myself, I deserve good things.. I really do!!