Is it that we look bad because we feel bad, or…??

If I’m to describe myself, I would say that I have moderate beauty, I’m not that pretty, yet, I’m not ugly, as people tell me with their words and looks, you can find beauty in my eyes, hair, complexion, or whatever.

In the last few days, actually weeks, each time I look in the mirror, I search for beauty I used to see, I only can see eyes out of sparkle, filled with sorrow. I only see lips, out of life, faking a smile, I wonder, it is the same face, the same clothes, I did not gain weight, so what changed?? Do we look bad because we feel bad?? Or do we feel bad because we look bad??

I have been down lately, I tried everything, I’m swimming every other day, I went to skill-improvement sessions, I went to cinema, I watched many movies, I met with old friends, I read a book, I stayed in bed, I had comfort food!! But there is no use..I still feel bad..The subject is all over my mind, and I can’t get it out!!

The funny thing is that I don’t care if I look good or bad, not any more, I make no effort because I know how much I tried, I will not see the beauty any more..I guess it is true; beauty is in the eye of the beholder!!

Is it that we look bad because we feel bad, or…??

If I’m to describe myself, I would say that I have moderate beauty, I’m not that pretty, yet, I’m not ugly, as people tell me with their words and looks, you can find beauty in my eyes, hair, complexion, or whatever.

In the last few days, actually weeks, each time I look in the mirror, I search for beauty I used to see, I only can see eyes out of sparkle, filled with sorrow. I only see lips, out of life, faking a smile, I wonder, it is the same face, the same clothes, I did not gain weight, so what changed?? Do we look bad because we feel bad?? Or do we feel bad because we look bad??

I have been down lately, I tried everything, I’m swimming every other day, I went to skill-improvement sessions, I went to cinema, I watched many movies, I met with old friends, I read a book, I stayed in bed, I had comfort food!! But there is no use..I still feel bad..The subject is all over my mind, and I can’t get it out!!

The funny thing is that I don’t care if I look good or bad, not any more, I make no effort because I know how much I tried, I will not see the beauty any more..I guess it is true; beauty is in the eye of the beholder!!

Did we reach that point of desperation??

Today is the 25^th anniversary of the first Palestinian raise, delegations from different countries, went to Gaza to celebrate the occasion. Couple of weeks ago, the United Nation members voted on the Palestinian State, and it was declared to be an observing member in the UN.

People in the streets were celebrating, countries and nations sent congratulations, facebook statuses and tweets were all expressing happiness because of the vote results. We were celebrating being a member in the organization that gave the green light to occupy our land, to the organization that condemned  the wall yet nothing was changed, lands were taken, trees and were destroyed, families were separated, and the wall stayed!!

At the moment of declaration and until now, I have those questions in my mind; doesn’t this mean that we settled for less than 22% of our land excluding Jerusalem?? Doesn’t this mean that we are giving our country for free to our enemies? What is it going to change after Palestine becomes a state? Would they be able to protect olive trees, houses, Masjids, Churches, schools from settlers’ attacks? Would they be free to travel when they wish where they wish? Would they be able to import medicine and food as they need, export their goods?? Really wish to know at which price we gave our land away…I wish it was not a low price, cause the bloods shaded to liberate it are very valuable…2^nd thought, whatever was the price…it is a very low price and it is a lost bargain to us !!   

I keep thinking of the reason that makes people celebrate the declaration, the anniversary, the rocket, and I wonder, did we reach a point of desperation that we can’t wait or we can’t even dream of a real victory, so we deceive ourselves and say we won. And despite that we deep inside know that we lost, we celebrate when the ones who really should be celebrating are Israel and The united States of America, who we have to congratulate on their great acting in the UN.

Writing this post, I tried to think of a similar story, and I could not think of a better story than the story of the bird, cow and cat…and how things are never as they seem, and that you can be saved when you least expect it, and you can be killed because of your actions!!

Am I turning to a bad person??

One thing I know for sure is that I’m not the same person I used to be. The things used to please me don’t anymore. Happiness that used to fill my heart when hearing good news about others is gone, not to mention not being able to sympathy with others sorrow.

No excuse I know, but is it possible that the amount of grief I have deep inside just can’t let me live others life?? Am I jealous of other’s success and happiness? Never thought a day will come and not being happy for a friend when getting engaged, or having a baby.  Going to pay respect for the death of a friend’s father and going out to celebrate my birthday the same night was something I never imagined doing..never!!

Living the neutral status is the worst, it is like living and not living, as Amro dyab says..lol ..and the truth, I miss the days where I had happy tears in others weddings, wishing them truly a cheerful life. I miss not being forced to fake compassion and drawing artificial happy/sad face, I really miss those days, but I guess I don’t have the energy to be sad for others, my misery is more than enough, and I can’t be happy   for other, it is time to be happy for myself.

I used to be a calm polite person, trusting others, and give them the benefit of doubts, and now..getting angry for the silliest reasons,  and doubting every thing/ one around me.

It is not that I wish bad things for people, but I do wish good things to myself, I deserve good things.. I really do!!

Despite of all what have been said…

Amany my Love,
Amany my Friend…
Never thought I'd lost you…
And how much you'd be missed…

You promised with a visit…
Sadly your promise hadn't been met…
I guess I'll forgive you…
But no…I can't forget.

No emails from you,
Not to mention the greetings that you never forget…
Have you lost my address??
Or am I out of your list??
My cousin I miss your jocks…
I miss emails to be sent…
With you, I love to talk…
And highly enjoy to connect

Thanks for every thing,
Thanks for the lessons I have learnt…

To seize the moment,
if not…feel the guilt.
Always say what is in my mind,
And never feel the regret.
Be generous indeed,
Not as the others pretend.
Give away dollars,
Like people do with a cent.
Lend a hand to the needy,
And never wait for an Aid.

Our bond will go on…
It will last till the end…
Rest in peace my dear,
May Allah our prayers accept

Till we meet…Rest in peace my love…

An awesome man we have lost…
A great man he has been…

An uncle you can't but to love…
The kindest you have ever seen…

Chivalry & wisdom in his blood….
On him you can keen…
His judgment you shall trust…
And you will never be deceived…

Bright & witty with guts
Not to mention he was lean…
Firm full of love
For the family was like a dean...

His laughter I have loved…
Asking to hear when he is in the scene
If not answered I'd be Stunned
For how bighearted he was, even more than what it seemed…


His death was a shock…
It has never been foreseen
It is like being hit with a rock…
And hence a tremendous pain is revealed…

Saying Goodbye is a must
But never thought how hard could it be
Rest in peace my love…
Though it's harsh to believe you are deceased
Our mourning will never end…
At least… until in heaven we meet…

My sweet cousin is not here any more!!

My lovable Rasha is an angel you can call…
With an eye glimpse…
She passed away in the Faull…

The sweetest bride we were all waiting for…
Got her white gown fitted …
To be picked upon a call…
May she rest in peace…
May Allah bless her soul

Last time we talked, an invitation I have received
To attend a wedding…
In which she had always dreamed…
This wedding I'll miss…
And I have no choice to be deemed…
In heaven it will be held…
And she'll pick the fruits of her seed…
That's our prayer
And on Allah's acceptance we keen

Today is the day that her shower party was planned to be held…May Allah bless her soul with peace and mercy…and give us patience.