Mar 6, 2008

God has his own mysterious ways in answering us

That night I went to sleep and the thought of having a baby in my life was controlling , I could not stop thinking of it, yes I want a baby of my own, to hold and play with, to gaze at the sweetest smile, and feel the greatest touch ever. I prayed to have a baby in my life, and I even cried while thinking of that, I guess what really got into me was my best friend's baby birthday, it moved my feelings, and I could not go there cause I know I wont be able to hide and control my feelings, I really love her, and love her daughter and wish the best, but I wish to experience the feeling, I wish to be mom. That day, one of my friends gave birth to her child, and as a reply to my greetings to her and to her husband, I got.."3o2bal 3endek".. I was thinking…yah.. I guess I need to find the father first!!

Once I was in the French class, and we were playing this game, that you have to answer the questions without saying yes or no, so I had been asked: "Do you have kids?" so I was like.." I wish", and the whole class laughed, I guess it was the unconscious mind that has the control over that answer.

Any way, the very next day after that night, a friend of mine, her daughter had some troubles, and they had to take her to the hospital, and I went to visit her, they were making tests and they had to take sample from her spinal cord liquid, it is a painful procedure, she started to scream, and we had to stay out of the room, her mom started to cry, and for sure I did that too. Thanks Allah, three days later the girl got better and now she is doing fine.

At that moment, I hated the idea of having a baby, with a possibility of getting sick and not to be able to help and to feel so weak in front that situation…the idea just creeps me… at that moment… I knew that this is God's answer for me questioning about having a baby…
Three years exactly since the story had started, three years of thinking of the whole thing daily, not one single day without thinking of what happened. I promised myself day after day to stop thinking, to move on, and I'll get the answer one day, and the mystery will be solved by itself, but no, nothing happened, and I'm still waiting, really I wish to know what happened, what went wrong, and stop thinking of the song that fits the situation. Right now, Rania's Al Kurdi song "kalemtak kteer" fits the most …but I really wish that med7at sale7 song: "ana mesh b3eed" is the scenario the applies to this story. I guess I have to wait…and learn how to let things go.