One thing I know for sure is that I’m not the same person I used to be. The things used to please me don’t anymore. Happiness that used to fill my heart when hearing good news about others is gone, not to mention not being able to sympathy with others sorrow.
No excuse I know, but is it possible that the amount of grief I have deep inside just can’t let me live others life?? Am I jealous of other’s success and happiness? Never thought a day will come and not being happy for a friend when getting engaged, or having a baby. Going to pay respect for the death of a friend’s father and going out to celebrate my birthday the same night was something I never imagined doing..never!!
Living the neutral status is the worst, it is like living and not living, as Amro dyab says..lol ..and the truth, I miss the days where I had happy tears in others weddings, wishing them truly a cheerful life. I miss not being forced to fake compassion and drawing artificial happy/sad face, I really miss those days, but I guess I don’t have the energy to be sad for others, my misery is more than enough, and I can’t be happy for other, it is time to be happy for myself.
I used to be a calm polite person, trusting others, and give them the benefit of doubts, and now..getting angry for the silliest reasons, and doubting every thing/ one around me.
It is not that I wish bad things for people, but I do wish good things to myself, I deserve good things.. I really do!!