Am I turning to a bad person??

One thing I know for sure is that I’m not the same person I used to be. The things used to please me don’t anymore. Happiness that used to fill my heart when hearing good news about others is gone, not to mention not being able to sympathy with others sorrow.

No excuse I know, but is it possible that the amount of grief I have deep inside just can’t let me live others life?? Am I jealous of other’s success and happiness? Never thought a day will come and not being happy for a friend when getting engaged, or having a baby.  Going to pay respect for the death of a friend’s father and going out to celebrate my birthday the same night was something I never imagined doing..never!!

Living the neutral status is the worst, it is like living and not living, as Amro dyab says..lol ..and the truth, I miss the days where I had happy tears in others weddings, wishing them truly a cheerful life. I miss not being forced to fake compassion and drawing artificial happy/sad face, I really miss those days, but I guess I don’t have the energy to be sad for others, my misery is more than enough, and I can’t be happy   for other, it is time to be happy for myself.

I used to be a calm polite person, trusting others, and give them the benefit of doubts, and now..getting angry for the silliest reasons,  and doubting every thing/ one around me.

It is not that I wish bad things for people, but I do wish good things to myself, I deserve good things.. I really do!!

Despite of all what have been said…

Amany my Love,
Amany my Friend…
Never thought I'd lost you…
And how much you'd be missed…

You promised with a visit…
Sadly your promise hadn't been met…
I guess I'll forgive you…
But no…I can't forget.

No emails from you,
Not to mention the greetings that you never forget…
Have you lost my address??
Or am I out of your list??
My cousin I miss your jocks…
I miss emails to be sent…
With you, I love to talk…
And highly enjoy to connect

Thanks for every thing,
Thanks for the lessons I have learnt…

To seize the moment,
if not…feel the guilt.
Always say what is in my mind,
And never feel the regret.
Be generous indeed,
Not as the others pretend.
Give away dollars,
Like people do with a cent.
Lend a hand to the needy,
And never wait for an Aid.

Our bond will go on…
It will last till the end…
Rest in peace my dear,
May Allah our prayers accept

Till we meet…Rest in peace my love…

An awesome man we have lost…
A great man he has been…

An uncle you can't but to love…
The kindest you have ever seen…

Chivalry & wisdom in his blood….
On him you can keen…
His judgment you shall trust…
And you will never be deceived…

Bright & witty with guts
Not to mention he was lean…
Firm full of love
For the family was like a dean...

His laughter I have loved…
Asking to hear when he is in the scene
If not answered I'd be Stunned
For how bighearted he was, even more than what it seemed…


His death was a shock…
It has never been foreseen
It is like being hit with a rock…
And hence a tremendous pain is revealed…

Saying Goodbye is a must
But never thought how hard could it be
Rest in peace my love…
Though it's harsh to believe you are deceased
Our mourning will never end…
At least… until in heaven we meet…

My sweet cousin is not here any more!!

My lovable Rasha is an angel you can call…
With an eye glimpse…
She passed away in the Faull…

The sweetest bride we were all waiting for…
Got her white gown fitted …
To be picked upon a call…
May she rest in peace…
May Allah bless her soul

Last time we talked, an invitation I have received
To attend a wedding…
In which she had always dreamed…
This wedding I'll miss…
And I have no choice to be deemed…
In heaven it will be held…
And she'll pick the fruits of her seed…
That's our prayer
And on Allah's acceptance we keen

Today is the day that her shower party was planned to be held…May Allah bless her soul with peace and mercy…and give us patience.

It is her birthday today!!

Today is her birthday, a woman that is hard not to be loved. Full of kindness, tender as no one else, can give you the warmest hug you could ever dream with, her smile can blow off your sorrow and pain, her love is so pure…so true…

They say I look like her, in the way I look, in the way I act with, a diplomatic smart person, loving the others, willing to forgive and find excuses to their mistakes, strong and can stand through the hard times, lead and guide…and give you energy to go on… they say I'm so similar to her…but from my point view…no.. She is way far better than me.. She is way far.

This is her first birthday after passing away, can't get her smile and laugh from my head, can't stop thinking of her last time she was here, shopping for her granddaughter…she was so happy…her 2 sons were to get married after she had dreamed with that day since ever…her daughter may she R.I.P, is to get engaged.. and her first girl grandchild is in the way…she was giving love, effort, time and money to make all of them happy..

Allah er7mek ya 3amtee….Allah er7amek ya 7abebtee…you will never be forgotten.. lucky you.. all the ppl love you…wish I were like you…Rest in peace my dear…Rest in peace my love…

One month had passed!!

Strange how our sense of days differs when it comes to tragic accidents. One month had passed on their passing away, yet I still feel so in pain, as if it was yesterday. Yes we are all trying to move on, but things will never be the same, we are still unable to believe it, to live with it, and get used to the horrible idea, that we all know is true.

Strange how death comes in a way that you never expect, it comes to ppl that you took their existence in your life for granted, and you never thought what your life would be if they are not there…and out of the sudden, it happens…and reaction is just un-controllable!!

I got use to the fact that Allah had decided to make our lives not easy, and being a believer, thanking Allah and accepting his decision for that is the only we do, but nevertheless, this time it reached even a higher level of hardiness, but again thanks to Allah, who tests the faith of his beloveds.

Loosing five of my family in that way was not that easy, a shocking devastating experience could be an even underestimating description to the experience we went through. But again we thank Allah because we trust his wisdom, and that he chooses the best for us, even if we don't understand how that could be.

It is raining outside, I used to think, it is not right to say that the sky is crying over someone who died, but when it happens now, the same day they died…I can't stop thinking, yes.. it is crying over my beloved family, and my only prayer is that May Allah rest their souls in peace, and give them forgiveness…and may Allah ease it on us, and give us patience and ability to forget and overcome pain and sorrow.

We miss big things!!

It keeps coming and going into my mind, why do I write about silly things that happen in my life and forget, or even avoid writing about the major things, the most important things?? Up to now I do not know the answer, I wonder if I am going to find it one day.

Strange how accidents and tragedies change us, in a way we never thought it will…some times it turn to be good, since it improved an aspect of our lives, sob7an Allah, there is a good thing in whatever happens for the believer…may Allah count us with those, and forgive us for our mistakes and faults.