ما أجمل ملاكاًً.. أن تكون
تنام قرير العين هنيء الجفون
فأنت للناس مساعدٌ
ولست عن أذية أحدهم بمسؤول
لكن الدنيا دون بقاء الحال دائماً تحول
ففيها من هم للملائكة كارهون
يزرعون الحقد.... وفي المحبة يشككون
و بالاجحاد والإنكار... المعروفَ يقابلون
وللأسف... هم في حياة الجميع يمرون
وحيث أنك ملاكٌ
فإنهم بتصرفاتهم معك لك صادمون
فتقف للحظة....
ألخطأ مني...أم هم الخاطئون؟؟
أمسارك ما يحتاج لتعديل....
أم هم من لمسارهم سيعدلون
لكن الله..... رازق المال والبنون
لا يرضى أن يكون أنصارُ الشر هم المنتصرون
فسبحانه.... يرسل مَن للإيمان... يجددون
وللأمل والخير هم ناشرون
فإن كانت نيتك إرضاءُ عَاِلم ُ السر المكنون
فافعل المعروف في أهله وفي غير أهله
لعل بعض الشياطين لملائكة يتحولون
ولا تنسى أن تختار...
أشيطاناً أم ملاكاً تود أن تكون!!

Really not my day!!

Today was a day that I can freely say it is not my day. In the morning, I could not sleep, even though it is Friday, and I slept very late, going out for a walk, something broke in the car, did not take it into consideration, after that, the same distance I walk all the time took me much longer time to be finished, after getting back, making a soup, I got my hand cut, slight and superficial, but I still think it may need a stitch…I should have took the msg by that time, but I did not, I just went out with friends, and to finish a great day, I chose to leave car lights on, to have dead battery when deciding to go home by taxi!!!

Sure it did not end here, it is the words I had to hear from dad….and how I should not have gone out from the 1st place…and how often he told me to switch the lights off…the internet connection is no difference, it is the million time I tried to connect, don't know if it is going to work eventually.

Not my day at all, but thanks to Allah it may have been worse!!

Lana..a great writer

I'v read this articl and loved it as I do each time I read fro Lana, I wonder if I re-read this again after several years how my feeling will be, hope it differs....

أحزان!
د.لانا مامكغ





المرأة قلباً وعقلاً وشخصية
جريدة الرأي الأردنية

تجاوزتُ سن الثلاثين... تجاوزت إشارة مرور كان يتوجب عليّ الوقوف عندها طويلاً... أرقب التقويم السنوي بقلق، تؤرقني السنوات الهاربة... متعبة أنا من الانتظار، انتظار الذي لم يأت بعد، ولا أحسبه سيأتي لاحقاً...

عزباء ولست جميلة... حقيقة قرأتها دائماً في عيون الآخرين، من عائلة متوسطة محافظة، تعليمي متوسط، وأعمل في وظيفة متوسطة الدخل... مساحة باهتة من الأشياء اسمها الوسط! حلمت طويلاً بتجربة حب، لكني لم أملك الجرأة أو الاستعداد لخوضها، أو لأقل بصدق، لم يحدث أن تلقّيت دعوة حب من أي كان... وعليه، فالجميع يشيدون بأخلاقي وفضائلي واستقامتي! قلت لنفسي: مزايا كفيلة بتشجيع أحدهم للارتباط بي، لكن ذلك لم يحدث... ثم قلت: لن أستسلم لعقدة شكلي، المرأة ليست قالباً وحسب، بل قلباً وعقلاً وشخصية، لذلك اهتممت بثقافتي، وملأت قلبي بالمحبة للناس والدنيا... كنت مُدركة أني مؤهلة لمشاعر النقص... فواجهت مشكلتي بجرأة، وتجاوزتها، وعقدت سلاماً مع العالم!.

كل هذا والسنوات تمر، تهرب، تفر كفراشات شقيّة!.

أتقنت كل ما يلزم أن تتقنه امرأة، الحياكة، الطهو، الزراعة المنزلية، وقرأت كثيراً عن الأطفال وعلم نفس الطفولة.

أما عروض الزواج التي تلقيتها وأتلقاها فتحدث كما يلي: تعلن عن حالة طوارىء في بيتنا منذ تلقي خبر الزيارة، زيارة جمع من النسوة، أقارب العريس طبعاً، يترتب علي أن أجالسهن لأتيح لهن مشاهدتي... وأستسلم لعيون تراقبني، تحدّق بي، تخترقني... أعيش دقائق جهنمية حتى تنتهي الزيارة، لأجلس في انتظار الرد... ولم يحدث أن تلقيت رداً، كنّ يخرجن ولا يعدن ليعلن رسوبي في امتحان لا أعرف وسيلة الاستعداد له... ولا كيفية النجاح فيه!.

تمضي الأيام، وكل زيارة من تلك الزيارات تقتل فيّ شيئاً من إنسانيتي، وبعضاً من ثقتي بنفسي وبالحياة!.

ربي، لست أحلم سوى بزوج وبيت وأطفال... ربي أتراني أطلب الكثير؟.

ربي، يقولون إن الجميلات تعيسات في حياتهن... هل سألوا أنفسهم يوماً عن تعاسة غير الجميلات؟.

And life goes on...this time it is up..thanks to Allah

Many things happened lately in my life, and I had no time to write it down, but looking back at things I wrote before, I thought the things I am going through worth to be documented.
Last month I turned 28, and this time, I was not that depressed at my birthday as I usually be, the main reason is that I have achieved up to 70% of my annual goals, I have lost some weight, I wore a skirt in my birthday.. :D and I have started my masters program.

The truth is, even though these were silly things to care about, but they made big change in my life, it made me not afraid of meeting any one from my university batch, fearing from being asked about the things I'm doing in my life, and what accomplishments are added to my social life and career.

That day I ran into one of the girls, I was proud when she mentioned that I'm looking good, and that she respects that I'm aiming at higher education, I know that many did….but this time it was me.

Thanks to Allah, mom finished the chemo therapy, what is lift supposed to be easier and we are hoping not to suffer again.

It has been almost a year, I can't take the subject of my head, I started.. -the truth I lost- hope of any progress, but I could not stop praying to Allah, that if it is a good thing, please to bring it closer ASAP, and if there is any thing bad about it, please keep it away.

Yesterday I stood by an article by a writer I enjoy reading for her, Lana Mamkagh, she summarized my life and many other girl's lives in a short article, I like her way in talking about reality, simple, true, and still very deep.

It is the 22nd of Ramadan, and it is almost EID, this night I couldn't sleep well, after s7oor I stayed awake. .thoughts and thoughts, wish Allah will answer my prayers.

Getting back to study is somehow wired, I feel like lost, even though it is the same university, but every thing changed…I guess I need some time to adjust.

No expectations, no disappointments, so why???

The worst characteristic I have is that I know the right from wrong, and still skip the good and stick to the bad!! I know I should eat less, exercise more, I know that I must have a better relationship with Allah and parents, I know I should work harder and smarter, and still I don't do what I already know.

Lately I became a strong believer in the saying "No expectations, no disappointments", and I started to work on that basis, expecting nothing in life. The problem is that it takes me only seconds to get hope back combined with the unwanted consequences including disappointments.

Sometimes I like the spirit I have, where I just give up so easy on losing hope, but the other times, I just wish that I stop expecting things from life, and most important….from people, and by that I save myself lots of troubles and pain.

P.S. I do hate people who let their children get their heads or bodies out of the cars while driving, I just can't understand how do they think? How could they imagine that by doing this they are making their child happy, and despite all of the warnings how dangerous this is, they keep doing it…strange and stupid!!

Random thoughts…..

Getting back to the routine of walking, many thoughts, random thoughts fly here and there, and I guess butting it on paper- if I can say so- make it easier to forgot about it and move on….

Since I have mentioned it, I enjoy walking; it is a great way to spend sometime with yourself, thinking of the things that happen with you or sometimes do nothing but walking. But what I really enjoy more, is watching ppl making sport, walking, playing football, and even kids running after each other. I think of it that there r some ppl who are doing a healthy thing after all, going to the gym is not the same, I think of going to the gym as a duty, you have to it, and the fun part is not there any more…

It has been a huge responsibility in the last 3 months, but in a way, it is a good chance to know the capabilities we have, the one we don't even know we enjoy. Being the eldest, the largest portion of responsibility was my share. Now I know that I can manage a family, since I was capable of managing a big family…I CAN COOK after all!! And I guess the lesson gained here is: "what does not break you, strengths you"!!

Lately, I have tried an engagement dress, a red one…and now I can't get it out of my mind, resisting going and buying and keeping it in the closet to the time it is needed for. I liked it, the color, the simple delicate model and above all, the fact it fits me, finally I found an engagement dress that fits my size and looks nice…lol. Late at the same evening, passing by a jewelry store, I chose an engagement ring….now it is the groom who is left…lol…I think the hard part is done and the easy part what is left..:D

Many great songs I enjoy these times, Carol's song Yama Layale is sooooooooo nice, I could not stop myself from dancing when hearing it, Ma hma t2olo for Wa2el Jssar is full of cute, innocent childish emotions, the greatest is Shireen's songs, bi kelma menak, and batamenak….so great in shifting you to a higher level of romance.

So confused, so in pain…

The last month had been a month in hell; I wish all the pain ends as this month does. The last week I reached the peak of pain curve, being so impatient to know the result, made of me a very sad, and stressed person.

Knowing that mom has breast cancer was a shocking news for all of us, I admit that it had never crossed my mind that mom could have something like that, or any one in the family could, but it seems that I was wrong.

Mom did make the operation last week, the most painful moment was when mom went out of the operations room to the recovery room, me and my sister just couldn't breath. After spending 2 hrs in the recovery room with her, most of the time crying and trying to hide tears, mom was taken to her room, I started to calm down my sister, aunt, and every one …so hard to stop yourself from crying….

The result will come out today…we are waiting, praying the treatment needed be the least possible.. ya rab…

The coming days will not be easy, starting the chemo therapy, will not be easy…and I really need to be strong, for mom, sisters and even dad…very true…"The hardest thing to do is to smile, in time you need to cry"…