Really not my day!!

Today was a day that I can freely say it is not my day. In the morning, I could not sleep, even though it is Friday, and I slept very late, going out for a walk, something broke in the car, did not take it into consideration, after that, the same distance I walk all the time took me much longer time to be finished, after getting back, making a soup, I got my hand cut, slight and superficial, but I still think it may need a stitch…I should have took the msg by that time, but I did not, I just went out with friends, and to finish a great day, I chose to leave car lights on, to have dead battery when deciding to go home by taxi!!!

Sure it did not end here, it is the words I had to hear from dad….and how I should not have gone out from the 1st place…and how often he told me to switch the lights off…the internet connection is no difference, it is the million time I tried to connect, don't know if it is going to work eventually.

Not my day at all, but thanks to Allah it may have been worse!!

Lana..a great writer

I'v read this articl and loved it as I do each time I read fro Lana, I wonder if I re-read this again after several years how my feeling will be, hope it differs....

أحزان!
د.لانا مامكغ





المرأة قلباً وعقلاً وشخصية
جريدة الرأي الأردنية

تجاوزتُ سن الثلاثين... تجاوزت إشارة مرور كان يتوجب عليّ الوقوف عندها طويلاً... أرقب التقويم السنوي بقلق، تؤرقني السنوات الهاربة... متعبة أنا من الانتظار، انتظار الذي لم يأت بعد، ولا أحسبه سيأتي لاحقاً...

عزباء ولست جميلة... حقيقة قرأتها دائماً في عيون الآخرين، من عائلة متوسطة محافظة، تعليمي متوسط، وأعمل في وظيفة متوسطة الدخل... مساحة باهتة من الأشياء اسمها الوسط! حلمت طويلاً بتجربة حب، لكني لم أملك الجرأة أو الاستعداد لخوضها، أو لأقل بصدق، لم يحدث أن تلقّيت دعوة حب من أي كان... وعليه، فالجميع يشيدون بأخلاقي وفضائلي واستقامتي! قلت لنفسي: مزايا كفيلة بتشجيع أحدهم للارتباط بي، لكن ذلك لم يحدث... ثم قلت: لن أستسلم لعقدة شكلي، المرأة ليست قالباً وحسب، بل قلباً وعقلاً وشخصية، لذلك اهتممت بثقافتي، وملأت قلبي بالمحبة للناس والدنيا... كنت مُدركة أني مؤهلة لمشاعر النقص... فواجهت مشكلتي بجرأة، وتجاوزتها، وعقدت سلاماً مع العالم!.

كل هذا والسنوات تمر، تهرب، تفر كفراشات شقيّة!.

أتقنت كل ما يلزم أن تتقنه امرأة، الحياكة، الطهو، الزراعة المنزلية، وقرأت كثيراً عن الأطفال وعلم نفس الطفولة.

أما عروض الزواج التي تلقيتها وأتلقاها فتحدث كما يلي: تعلن عن حالة طوارىء في بيتنا منذ تلقي خبر الزيارة، زيارة جمع من النسوة، أقارب العريس طبعاً، يترتب علي أن أجالسهن لأتيح لهن مشاهدتي... وأستسلم لعيون تراقبني، تحدّق بي، تخترقني... أعيش دقائق جهنمية حتى تنتهي الزيارة، لأجلس في انتظار الرد... ولم يحدث أن تلقيت رداً، كنّ يخرجن ولا يعدن ليعلن رسوبي في امتحان لا أعرف وسيلة الاستعداد له... ولا كيفية النجاح فيه!.

تمضي الأيام، وكل زيارة من تلك الزيارات تقتل فيّ شيئاً من إنسانيتي، وبعضاً من ثقتي بنفسي وبالحياة!.

ربي، لست أحلم سوى بزوج وبيت وأطفال... ربي أتراني أطلب الكثير؟.

ربي، يقولون إن الجميلات تعيسات في حياتهن... هل سألوا أنفسهم يوماً عن تعاسة غير الجميلات؟.

And life goes on...this time it is up..thanks to Allah

Many things happened lately in my life, and I had no time to write it down, but looking back at things I wrote before, I thought the things I am going through worth to be documented.
Last month I turned 28, and this time, I was not that depressed at my birthday as I usually be, the main reason is that I have achieved up to 70% of my annual goals, I have lost some weight, I wore a skirt in my birthday.. :D and I have started my masters program.

The truth is, even though these were silly things to care about, but they made big change in my life, it made me not afraid of meeting any one from my university batch, fearing from being asked about the things I'm doing in my life, and what accomplishments are added to my social life and career.

That day I ran into one of the girls, I was proud when she mentioned that I'm looking good, and that she respects that I'm aiming at higher education, I know that many did….but this time it was me.

Thanks to Allah, mom finished the chemo therapy, what is lift supposed to be easier and we are hoping not to suffer again.

It has been almost a year, I can't take the subject of my head, I started.. -the truth I lost- hope of any progress, but I could not stop praying to Allah, that if it is a good thing, please to bring it closer ASAP, and if there is any thing bad about it, please keep it away.

Yesterday I stood by an article by a writer I enjoy reading for her, Lana Mamkagh, she summarized my life and many other girl's lives in a short article, I like her way in talking about reality, simple, true, and still very deep.

It is the 22nd of Ramadan, and it is almost EID, this night I couldn't sleep well, after s7oor I stayed awake. .thoughts and thoughts, wish Allah will answer my prayers.

Getting back to study is somehow wired, I feel like lost, even though it is the same university, but every thing changed…I guess I need some time to adjust.

No expectations, no disappointments, so why???

The worst characteristic I have is that I know the right from wrong, and still skip the good and stick to the bad!! I know I should eat less, exercise more, I know that I must have a better relationship with Allah and parents, I know I should work harder and smarter, and still I don't do what I already know.

Lately I became a strong believer in the saying "No expectations, no disappointments", and I started to work on that basis, expecting nothing in life. The problem is that it takes me only seconds to get hope back combined with the unwanted consequences including disappointments.

Sometimes I like the spirit I have, where I just give up so easy on losing hope, but the other times, I just wish that I stop expecting things from life, and most important….from people, and by that I save myself lots of troubles and pain.

P.S. I do hate people who let their children get their heads or bodies out of the cars while driving, I just can't understand how do they think? How could they imagine that by doing this they are making their child happy, and despite all of the warnings how dangerous this is, they keep doing it…strange and stupid!!

Random thoughts…..

Getting back to the routine of walking, many thoughts, random thoughts fly here and there, and I guess butting it on paper- if I can say so- make it easier to forgot about it and move on….

Since I have mentioned it, I enjoy walking; it is a great way to spend sometime with yourself, thinking of the things that happen with you or sometimes do nothing but walking. But what I really enjoy more, is watching ppl making sport, walking, playing football, and even kids running after each other. I think of it that there r some ppl who are doing a healthy thing after all, going to the gym is not the same, I think of going to the gym as a duty, you have to it, and the fun part is not there any more…

It has been a huge responsibility in the last 3 months, but in a way, it is a good chance to know the capabilities we have, the one we don't even know we enjoy. Being the eldest, the largest portion of responsibility was my share. Now I know that I can manage a family, since I was capable of managing a big family…I CAN COOK after all!! And I guess the lesson gained here is: "what does not break you, strengths you"!!

Lately, I have tried an engagement dress, a red one…and now I can't get it out of my mind, resisting going and buying and keeping it in the closet to the time it is needed for. I liked it, the color, the simple delicate model and above all, the fact it fits me, finally I found an engagement dress that fits my size and looks nice…lol. Late at the same evening, passing by a jewelry store, I chose an engagement ring….now it is the groom who is left…lol…I think the hard part is done and the easy part what is left..:D

Many great songs I enjoy these times, Carol's song Yama Layale is sooooooooo nice, I could not stop myself from dancing when hearing it, Ma hma t2olo for Wa2el Jssar is full of cute, innocent childish emotions, the greatest is Shireen's songs, bi kelma menak, and batamenak….so great in shifting you to a higher level of romance.

So confused, so in pain…

The last month had been a month in hell; I wish all the pain ends as this month does. The last week I reached the peak of pain curve, being so impatient to know the result, made of me a very sad, and stressed person.

Knowing that mom has breast cancer was a shocking news for all of us, I admit that it had never crossed my mind that mom could have something like that, or any one in the family could, but it seems that I was wrong.

Mom did make the operation last week, the most painful moment was when mom went out of the operations room to the recovery room, me and my sister just couldn't breath. After spending 2 hrs in the recovery room with her, most of the time crying and trying to hide tears, mom was taken to her room, I started to calm down my sister, aunt, and every one …so hard to stop yourself from crying….

The result will come out today…we are waiting, praying the treatment needed be the least possible.. ya rab…

The coming days will not be easy, starting the chemo therapy, will not be easy…and I really need to be strong, for mom, sisters and even dad…very true…"The hardest thing to do is to smile, in time you need to cry"…

Uniform gets into me!!

I have this weakness point toward guys in uniform!! I like their looks, and don't know I guess the uniform gives them a charismatic look and a very respectful appearance.
When talking about uniform, I generally mean the people in the force: police, army, sometimes doctors, but above all pilots.
I remember that I was so amazed by a movie: "Catch me if you can", Leo was more than great, I loved him, I loved his intelligence, his way in manipulating others, and most of all, his look in the pilot suit. I have to admit that I like this actor, but I liked him even more when he played that role.
The truth is that I like to see people wearing uniform, for example, I can't think of stewardess wearing different thing from her coworker, it is a very good indication of the lake of professionalism. Yes I think of uniform as a way to show how professional you are. Up to now the only uniform I had to wear was the school uniform, and I recall that I did not like it at that time. The strange thing is that even though I like uniform on others, I think I'm not that ready to wear it each day and go to work!!
The bottom line here is…when I see a pilot, policeman, or a lady wearing army uniform .. it makes my day!! Yesterday was one of the good days…

P.S: as I do sometimes, almost a year ago, I had chosen randomly a day and specified that it is going to be a big day. I don't why I do that, but I do. Starting the early morning, I prepared myself for a good thing to happen, and I decided to have a very nice day whatever happens. Nothing unusual happened, but I succeeded in having a nice, cheerful day. I guess the good thing about yesterday was the lesson that I used to believe in, it has been revived with a stronger believes that you decide and control how you live life, by choosing the perspective from which you look at things. A lesson that helped me in choosing to have another big day.. nice week.. cheerful month.. and even a superior life!!

Things happen for a reason, happen when you least expect them!!

I am a believer, I always have been, but yesterday, was, as I think, a big test of my faith. Yesterday as I was in my office, the office Clark came and told me that a small rock came from the street, hit my car and the rare window had been broken.

To tell the truth I was not upset, I know I should have been, but the only thing was in my mind, Thank you Allah I was not in it. I had to go to the police station to report the accident, where they sent me to the headquarter, in my way I went and changed, then went to get the report and went to the insurance company to arrange to fix the car.

After almost 2 hrs, I went home, ate my lunch and went to sleep. I was somehow feeling strange, I should be upset, but I'm not, I just couldn't care less, yes I felt sorry for what happened, but not upset, at the opposite, I was kind of happy!!

This is the 4th time I go to the police station, lol, and all because of the car, the strange thing is that each time, it happens when I'm away or standing still. As I was in the police station, every one was there looking and talking about me, winks started to fly all over the place, as if it is the first time to see a lady in the police station!! I really feel uncomfortable to go to such places not because it is wrong, but because of the looks they give to me when I'm there. Thanks to Allah I'm done with it.

Thanks to Allah, that's all what I can think of, thanks for the minor losses, but thanks more for the believe I have.

God has his own mysterious ways in answering us

That night I went to sleep and the thought of having a baby in my life was controlling , I could not stop thinking of it, yes I want a baby of my own, to hold and play with, to gaze at the sweetest smile, and feel the greatest touch ever. I prayed to have a baby in my life, and I even cried while thinking of that, I guess what really got into me was my best friend's baby birthday, it moved my feelings, and I could not go there cause I know I wont be able to hide and control my feelings, I really love her, and love her daughter and wish the best, but I wish to experience the feeling, I wish to be mom. That day, one of my friends gave birth to her child, and as a reply to my greetings to her and to her husband, I got.."3o2bal 3endek".. I was thinking…yah.. I guess I need to find the father first!!

Once I was in the French class, and we were playing this game, that you have to answer the questions without saying yes or no, so I had been asked: "Do you have kids?" so I was like.." I wish", and the whole class laughed, I guess it was the unconscious mind that has the control over that answer.

Any way, the very next day after that night, a friend of mine, her daughter had some troubles, and they had to take her to the hospital, and I went to visit her, they were making tests and they had to take sample from her spinal cord liquid, it is a painful procedure, she started to scream, and we had to stay out of the room, her mom started to cry, and for sure I did that too. Thanks Allah, three days later the girl got better and now she is doing fine.

At that moment, I hated the idea of having a baby, with a possibility of getting sick and not to be able to help and to feel so weak in front that situation…the idea just creeps me… at that moment… I knew that this is God's answer for me questioning about having a baby…
Three years exactly since the story had started, three years of thinking of the whole thing daily, not one single day without thinking of what happened. I promised myself day after day to stop thinking, to move on, and I'll get the answer one day, and the mystery will be solved by itself, but no, nothing happened, and I'm still waiting, really I wish to know what happened, what went wrong, and stop thinking of the song that fits the situation. Right now, Rania's Al Kurdi song "kalemtak kteer" fits the most …but I really wish that med7at sale7 song: "ana mesh b3eed" is the scenario the applies to this story. I guess I have to wait…and learn how to let things go.

Movies I watched lately

It has been ages since I have watched movies, I mean to put a DVD and play it. The latest movies were able to change my mood, and they even changed my facebook status, and here they are:

Happy feet….
What an amazing movie!! Full of energy, love, creativity and extremely dynamic and profound. The greatest massage was, how unwanted feature or difference could be fought and resisted just because it is not the way people are used to, and unexpectedly it becomes the way for salvation. I enjoyed the movie to the max. and truly it successfully changed my mood.

Note Book…
It has been in my drawer since ever, I was not that enthusiastic about watching it, but when it was played, I enjoyed the tremendous passion it has. The endless love that the person would die to have in life. The unbelievable look he has when checking her. And how life takes us on different roads and still whatever is written to you will happen eventually. Finally, I liked the fact that no obstacle could stand on the face of true love. Yes this is the love we are all fancy.

Wa7ed men el nas…
Kareem Abd El Azeez…you are the man, nice movie indeed; I got highly emotional and extremely touched with the great acting. I guess I was so occupied with the movie seeing a poor simple and easy going person getting unintentionally and unwillingly involved in a bad situation and as a result, life suddenly gets upside down. A 180º different person is found due unjust treatment by self-centered rich powerful man. Seeking revenge, Kareem showed high level of intelligence and a greater determination for getting even with the people killed his wife. I liked the movie, despite the poor sound and visual effects. Kareem you are the MAN.

Music & lyrics…
I can say I expected more, I usually like Hue Grant's movies, he is a great actor, with the British sense of hummer, I liked that. I don't regret watching the movie, but I don't recommend it.

Serendipity…
This the 4th or 5th time I watch it, I like it, it strengths my believes that every thing in life happens for a reason and signs are there to show us the way and guide us to the best, assuring us that every ting is going to be just ok. This movie in particular makes me wish that life is a movie, that ends happily having the stars meeting together and live happily after…

No reservation…I watched it yesterday, I can say it was much below expectations, and if Zita Jounz was not there, I don't think it worth to be watched at all. I liked one thing about it, the end of it, and how they named the place, great idea indeed.

If you can control your temper while driving pleas tell me how…

Yes I need this help, how to control your temper while driving specially in Jordan. I just don’t get it, even though I’m a very cool person, calm in general, and not easy to be teased, I just can’t control my temper while driving.

Each day, when I go out from my home, I promise myself that I’ll stay cool whatever happens. But this promise, is one of the promises that I can’t keep (which is something rarely happens, cuz I don’t promise a thing I can’t do). I admit it, it is out of my control.

The worst thing in the whole thing, is that I love driving, I really enjoying having control over the car, going wherever you wish to go..just control your move, what you hear in the radio, to use the fragrance you wish for the car, to get the window down…raise it up…simple things…but it represent your control over the things…

I guess what makes it so hard to control yourself, is how stupid, arrogant, careless, rude, selfish and out of manners the people are. They just waste any chance to keep you calm and never lose your temper. I know that people do mistakes, and I don’t mind at all, after all we are human, and we make mistakes, this is out nature, and the truth I do make mistakes by myself, but unintentional, it is not a justification, but at least it decline all the characteristics of a intentionally bad driver.

And when it comes to driving in Jordan, you as a driver, should pay attention to the car next to you (both sides), the car in front of you, and the behind you for sure, the people crossing the crowded street suddenly (even thought there is a bridge, or a tunnel to use), and for sure, the holes filling the street.

I really hate the person I turn to when getting pissed by someone…I have to change, after all, driving is all about making decisions, and it will be a big mistake to expect that all the people will make decisions that work with me….but really I wish to stay calm, I should find a way….

life!!!

I’m waiting the results!!!

I don’t have any problem with exams, I love them sometimes, but what I really hate and do not tolerate, is the period after the exams, waiting the results…iffttt.. I hate it …it pushes on my nerves, hope the 20th of January wont be that long.

Last week I was in a 5 days training program, I did well, actually very well to a degree the two trainers started to look at me all the time, explaining the material to me, and when asking a tricky, hard question…they just look at me to check if I know the answer…
The truth, I liked that feeling, getting back and taking the lead as I was at school time, cuz in college, I just handed the flag to the others, not caring about the competition, at that time I lost the spirit…thanks to Allah it is back now…and I wish to go on…the only thing here, is that I have to be alerted all the time, otherwise he will catch me talking, drawing…or whatever I’m used to!!!


Some ppl r just so mean!!

This is the 2nd day to live in a shock of how mean people r!! up to now I just can get it, why? How could they? What I did to them? WHY????

I guess it is in the way our parents raised us, to wish good for all the ppl, not just to ourselves…I guess those ppl their parents were absents at that lesson!!

Many plans…nothing would be done…

I thought 2008 will be the year of change for sure, I had many options and work even on more, things r not going the way I wish, and yesterday was day I knew that my 4th plan will not be happen!! Not sad but feeling down somehow, seeing all my plans going with the winds!!
My only consolidation is that Allah always chooses the best for us, and what seems bad now, may hide a good thing after all…what a great and relieving thing to be a believer…it eases your life…

We never know where life takes us….

A friend of mine, a very close one, used to say…we never know where life takes us. At the middle of the relationship, I used to think, what is he talking about, we r friends, and more over, we r cousins, so what could happen to turn this relation apart…no way.. nothing can change us…,but not as usual, I was wrong!!!

I used to consider him as my best friend, I guess he was more than that, a brother who I can share thoughts, feelings with and ask for his advice. Our talks were all about life in general, and since he is part of the family, I felt free to talk about things that go with me daily.

The sweatiest thing was that he was capable of reading my thoughts even before I say it, we agreed on many things, and even though I have a different mentality that is not easy to understand but he was the person who understands me, and knows what I’m talking about.

People could not understand the nature of our relation, and they were convinced that it is love. At that moment I did not care, cuz I knew that it is not love, I was sure he was thinking the same way…he is not my type, yes I know that I admire him, I like his personality, but there was no chemistry…and even if there was, he is happily engaged!!!

Days go by, and this relation changes for worse, emails, chatting, phone calls and even sms r less and less. I admit that I missed him as a friend, especially when he was a corner stone in my life, but as usual, and due to my pride, I said nothing.

Once I was feeling down for a very long time, I thought if I talk to him, and tell him what is going on with me, I’ll feel better, but again I was wrong. His reaction came very shocking, asking me to consider him as a friend nothing more, I was like... “What the hill u r talking about?” u among all the people in the whole world should know what my feelings toward u r, I love u right, but as a brother…his word hurted me so deep, I wish I had the courage to say that u r not my type, but I was so afraid of hurting him…

Today I miss him, I miss our talks, I miss when he used to say the word just seconds before I do, I miss thinking of the same subject even if miles apart us, I miss talking about a song I love…

YES I DO MISS YOU, and even if I’m sad that u caused me this pain, but I still have this feeling to u, and now it is for ur wife and sweet little kid, and as u kept on saying… “We never know where life takes us.”