What I should change in me…

Usually I think of the things I should change about myself, true that most of the times I don’t change it, but it works sometimes, and I change!! Recently, I decided to write those things down, and I thought there is no better place than my blog…which is read by no one. I am writing those shortcomings for many reasons, first I may be well aware of it, so I change it, 2^nd, I want to see how would I be years from now, would I change or still the same…so I will start today with …commitment problem!!

I think I have a problem with commitment, most of the times to ideas, and activities, but I guess not to people. I just can’t force myself to do things on regular bases!!. Recently, I caught cold, and it was kind of serious this time, so after suffering for more than 10 days, I went to see a doctor, I hate going to doctors, and unless it is very serious I just try not to…any way...he prescribed me medicine, and I was praying ..please don’t give me antibiotic…I used to convince myself that I don’t like it because it is not good for your body…but you know what I realized…I don’t like it because I have to finish it!! I have to be committed to it!! Can you believe that!! I can’t be committed to having 2 bills a day for only a week!!

I wish my problem with commitment is as easy as it looks, but I am afraid it is not, the worst thing I can think of is performing prayers, I really wish to be committed to that, but I keep the on-off practicing, and that is killing me!!

I claim that I have no problem of commitment to people, but someone once told me that this is the reason for not getting married, that you deep inside don’t want to meet him, cause you are afraid of commitment. I have to admit that this idea crossed my mind more than once, but let’s face it, when I am in a relationship; I do my best to keep it going, and usually it is not me who decides to end it by running away!!

Sometimes I wonder why do I have this problem? Is it because I get bored easily (this is a shortcoming that will be discussed later) is it because I love the starts, and get excited at the beginning and then lose interest?  I don’t know the reason, nor the solution, but I know that I have this problem that is affecting my social life, my health, my professional life… and most important my relationship with Allah!!

Is it that we look bad because we feel bad, or…??

If I’m to describe myself, I would say that I have moderate beauty, I’m not that pretty, yet, I’m not ugly, as people tell me with their words and looks, you can find beauty in my eyes, hair, complexion, or whatever.

In the last few days, actually weeks, each time I look in the mirror, I search for beauty I used to see, I only can see eyes out of sparkle, filled with sorrow. I only see lips, out of life, faking a smile, I wonder, it is the same face, the same clothes, I did not gain weight, so what changed?? Do we look bad because we feel bad?? Or do we feel bad because we look bad??

I have been down lately, I tried everything, I’m swimming every other day, I went to skill-improvement sessions, I went to cinema, I watched many movies, I met with old friends, I read a book, I stayed in bed, I had comfort food!! But there is no use..I still feel bad..The subject is all over my mind, and I can’t get it out!!

The funny thing is that I don’t care if I look good or bad, not any more, I make no effort because I know how much I tried, I will not see the beauty any more..I guess it is true; beauty is in the eye of the beholder!!

Is it that we look bad because we feel bad, or…??

If I’m to describe myself, I would say that I have moderate beauty, I’m not that pretty, yet, I’m not ugly, as people tell me with their words and looks, you can find beauty in my eyes, hair, complexion, or whatever.

In the last few days, actually weeks, each time I look in the mirror, I search for beauty I used to see, I only can see eyes out of sparkle, filled with sorrow. I only see lips, out of life, faking a smile, I wonder, it is the same face, the same clothes, I did not gain weight, so what changed?? Do we look bad because we feel bad?? Or do we feel bad because we look bad??

I have been down lately, I tried everything, I’m swimming every other day, I went to skill-improvement sessions, I went to cinema, I watched many movies, I met with old friends, I read a book, I stayed in bed, I had comfort food!! But there is no use..I still feel bad..The subject is all over my mind, and I can’t get it out!!

The funny thing is that I don’t care if I look good or bad, not any more, I make no effort because I know how much I tried, I will not see the beauty any more..I guess it is true; beauty is in the eye of the beholder!!